Stuffed Peppers and fulfillment

I made the Quail stuffed peppers for dinner last night. While I was cooking I started thinking about the two different sides of my life–personal and professional–and how they are so opposite. I feel like two different people.  I have always felt confident and on track in my personal life, but my professional one lacks focus and that sense of being sure. I met a boy and fell in love, we got married–I know that for sure. Professionally I am stuck in a dead end job and I am dying to get out, but how do I do it? What do I want? I have all this creative energy, but I don’t know how to focus it and turn it into a living. I talk to friends who have done it –who have made a career for themselves building on their strengths and creativity and talents–I feel like the only one that doesn’t know how.

 

I have this bad habit on of riding home on the train wondering if I did a good enough job of being a “person” all day at work. Was I ok? Did I hold it together? Did I do any relevant work? Did I act interested enough? I think part of this stems from the broken escalator at 34th Street, and the sense of vertigo that occurs when you have to walk down it. But maybe not. I actually do this all the time. I question what I am doing and how I am doing it. It’s like taking an empty jar of pickles out of the refrigerator–is it really empty? Did I miss a pickle somehow? Do other people find empty pickle jars in their refrigerators? Do they pour the juice out slowly to savor the smell even though they hate pickles? Is this a real thing I am doing?

 

This all seems unnecessarily philosophical and silly to me, but it is something that happens all the time. Lately I keep catching myself in moments and questioning the very merit of my being and my life. Maybe it is this year and the fact that I am now 29 and married, yet still feeling very unfulfilled in my career. Shouldn’t I know what I am doing already? Or what I want to be doing? I am so happy at home, bumbling along in my day-to-day life of cooking dinner and watching movies with my new husband. We’re also about to switch our bedroom (which frees up a lot of additional space in our apartment) and I am enjoying making plans with him–plans for us, for our future, for our home. But what about my professional future? Can I live my life being so happy on one side and so miserable on the other? It seems so obvious–change your job, change your life–but it isn’t that simple. I have spent years going from one dead end position to another, which leaves me with no discernible career to speak of. I keep applying and applying for positions and getting nowhere.

 

I don’t know what I expect to get out of sharing this. Or why making stuffed peppers put me in a tailspin. Maybe I just need to acknowledge that I am stuck. I am so stuck. And I need to figure out a way to change that.

 

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2 thoughts on “Stuffed Peppers and fulfillment

  1. you are not alone I feel the same…on mondays and fridays I have to act as if I am interested in moles and skin tags at work! and then I come home and dance a Cinderella song and make some crafts…I always think that its a hobby “don’t quit your day job” my head says. It’s all too scary without knowing if you will really make it in something you love to do. My philosophy was always that I would run like the wind from those moles if the right opportunity presented itself but after five years I came to realize if I don’t make those opportunities for myself, well, they will never arise. I still won’t quit my day job as it is paying for this new venture, but I feel more at ease knowing that at least its taken on a new role as the provider of loot to help me pave my destiny. I don’t have to love it and that’s ok…for now. You should definitely do something you love, you are always better at things you enjoy doing. The most successful people in this world always love what they do..always. So hang in there, put a Disney Princess record on and take your time in finding out what you love to do…because no matter what happens love will always be waiting at a turn of your key 🙂 and I’m sure he will always have pickles in hand.

    by the way, your stuffed peppers look delicious!

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